Just Write

I just set my timer for 15 minutes and I intend to write until the time is up. 

Before settling down to write, I adjusted my seat, put on chapstick, hand lotion, I changed shirts, changed the temperature, found a suitable spotify playlist (currently listening to

Bon Iver's "Wash." radio

by the way, 10/10 would recommend). I basically did anything and everything to waste time and prevent me from putting my butt in a chair and typing away. I've always had a love/hate relationship with writing, one that I've mentioned briefly here on the blog in the past. Obviously I love it enough to be writing a blog for the past 5 years or so, but there's something about writing that I always dread, no matter if I have something important and timely to say or I just want to remember my thoughts. 

I was flipping through some of my own conference notes from way back in kindergarten/first-grade. I remember how mush I loved those student-led conferences because my teachers would gloat about how I was such a wonderful student, and my parents would always buy me a little treat afterwards, a milkshake at McDonalds, a new 

JumpStart CD game

 (to be honest, I regret giving them to my younger cousin, I still want to play them even at the age of almost 19). Jumpstart! A


 the world we can JumpStart! To see what we can seeeeee...... Despite being the perfect student in every way (I always sat in my rug spot! I was usually kind! I was good in math! I only cut my hair once!), even little five-year old Toyosi didn't like writing. While reading through the comments that my K-1 teacher wrote about my writing skills, something really jumped out at me: 

She does not like making mistakes... I would prefer it if she could start writing without perfection in mind.

Turns out Ms. Steck knew all along why writing and I weren't getting along. I am too much of a perfectionist when I write. So much so, that I just don't write. If I don't write, I can make mistakes, right? I wouldn't label myself as a perfectionist in all aspects of life, but when I do something, I want it to be done well, I want it to be better than everybody else, and I want to get recognition and praise for it (this one has had whole lot of negative impact in my academic life but we can talk about that later). My struggle with writing never came from a lack of something to say, it came from the lack of being able to say what I wanted to say in the way I wanted to say it, in a way that people would acknowledge and admire.

As an introverted person, I have a lot of conversations and inner dialogue with myself. I think I enjoy conversations with myself as much or even more than conversations with most people. When there's a topic or an idea brewing in my head I think, and 


, and piece together, and dissect it again and again until I come to some sort of conclusion. A lot of times those conclusions I draw emphasize something about myself that I never really paid attention to, they push me to be more thoughtful in different aspects of my life, they highlight my priorities, or they make me see people, situations whatever in a different way. And I 


 sharing this insight 


 others. The amount of times I would intrude on my roommate's personal space just to talk about what was on my mind was probably a few too many times. I can't keep these things bottled up. 

If you've ever heard me talk about something I'm really into, then you know that this passion just can't be contained for the life of me. 

But when there's no ear to listen, the natural thing to do would be to write. And I'm hoping, I really am, that I learn to get over myself and my need for perfection. I hope that whatever natural writing style I have shines through. I'm hoping that I don't get hung up on grammar rules, or word choice, or whatever and let that stop me from writing. I'm hoping that I sound real, and that people can find some truth, or can relate to what I'm trying to say. And I'm hoping that I get some really good discussions out of this, because let's be real, that's what the perfectionist in me has wanted all along.